23 June 2014

Panic Attacks, Anxiety and Depression - PART 3 - Depression

Hi Girls <3

This is going to be the second part of my panic attacks, anxiety and depression 'talk'

Panic attacks, anxiety and depression until recently has never been spoken about that much but however has always been very common amongst us humans! I myself have suffered and still suffer from this and feel that if I tell you about my experiences it may help help some of you and even if it only helps one of you that will make me feel happy!


What is Depression?

Depression is a whole lot more than feeling unhappy or sad for a few days. Depression is when someone will feel intense emotions of anxiety, sadness, unhappiness, hopelessness and negativity but these feelings stay and don't go away. 

> Tiredness and loss of energy
> Sadness that doesn't go away
> Stress and frustration
> Difficulty concentrating
> Not enjoying things you used to love
> Feeling anxious
> Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness
> Thinking about suicide or death
> Self-harming

What causes depression?

The exact cause of depression is not known. Anyone can develop depression. Some people are more prone to it and it can develop for no apparent reason. You may have no particular problem or worry, but symptoms can develop quite suddenly. There may be some genetic factor involved that makes some people more prone than others to depression.
Depression may be brought on through life events such as illness, relationship problems, death etc. However sometimes there isn't a clear reason for your depression but, whatever the cause if you identify it this is an important first step.

Different types of depression

There are many different types of depression. The severity of depression can vary from sub-threshold depression to severe depression.
There are also different types of depression such as:
> Seasonal Defective Disorder
> Post-natal Depression
> Bi-Polar Disorder
> Mild Depression

After I finished my A Levels and I got into college and enrolled on my course I was happy. I felt positive that I was going to become a beauty therapist and have a good life. However, as time went on things started getting bad.

How I overcome my depression

As I mentioned above, one of the most important first steps is to try to identify where your depression started and what triggered it. With mine I think my A levels were the start of everything. If you've read my anxiety post you will know that I found the jump from GCSEs to A Levels really hard and this resulted in my experiencing a lot of stress, feelings of hopelessness and sadness.

Things weren't so bad to start off with! I felt some feelings of hopelessness during my A Levels as I studied so hard and felt like I wasn't getting anywhere and that there wasn't any point in trying anymore and I ended up giving up on my A Levels with the aim to go to college and do Beauty Therapy which is what I wanted to do in the first place.

I still find it hard to remember everything that has happened in order as I've tried to put that part of my life at the back of my head as it wasn't a very nice time.

About half way through my first year at college I moved in with my boyfriend at the time and was relatively happy. My job involved working at a children's indoor play centre hosting birthday parties and life was ok. Things started getting bad when me and my boss at work didn't get on and she treated me badly. Also because I was working with children I was ill all of the time! When I say all the time I mean I had tonsillitis pretty much every week. Now this knocked my motivation a lot. When you live on your own and you don't have anyone to kick your arse in gear I got used to laying in bed ill taking days off of college and this became a routine. 

No matter what I did I couldn't stop being ill and it sucked! I moved back to my mums at one point because my boyfriend refused to stop smoking fags and weed around me which only made my throat worse and I recovered a bit but ended up moving back in and then back out as he treated me like dirt and I deserved better!

This is the part when things go a bit fuzzy. I remember going through a wreckless stage. By this I don't mean drinking or taking drugs but I had a fair wack of crappy relationships because I craved the feeling of being wanted! At least I can admit it though! I cried all of the time feeling worthless and I felt like there wasn't any point in me being alive.

I wasn't as passionate about college anymore due to my lack of motivation. I remember sitting there thinking everyone has a point on why they are alive, some are good singers, play instruments, are caring people etc. But I have no talent or purpose that I could think of and this made me feel hopeless. I used to think maybe I was put on the planet to take my own life! Sounds silly but If you've experienced depression I'm sure you understand.

I cried all the time. Over nothing but I was still sad. My mum used to see me crying and used to shout at me and say nasty things which, when you come from a single-parent family and don't have anyone else isn't very nice as my mum is supposed to be my rock and help me through hard times.

I then started thinking about my dad and how he's never really been there for me and I only wanted to be loved and have my father in my life is that so much to ask for? This too made me feel worthless and sad all of the time because it was always in the back of my mind.

Things got worse before they got better. Basically a year of crying and feeling helpless everyday. 

In my opinion, depression is like being possessed. I felt that I was trapped in my own body. There was this horrible person that used to cry all the time and snap at people and then there was me who was dying to be happy again and take over my own body again and be happy but I didn't know how.

I fought my depression on my own. This is probably the worst way possible but it's all I could do. I thought about the anti-depressant way but I didn't want to become addicted to pills. I spoke to my doctor a number of times about me being down and he recommended a counsellor to me but the way I looked at it was why would someone want to sit down and listen to me waffle on about my problems. I didn't even know what I would say and I thought they would be thinking well why are you depressed over that!

The way I overcame my depression was I sat down and tried to determine what was making me depressed. I tried to eliminate all of the bad things in my life, bad people and tried to think of solutions to help with the things I was worrying about. I thought I would make goals for the future even if they would take a while to get there I wanted something to look towards. This started small with my New years resolutions list which went something like this:

> Be more positive
> Stop biting my nails
> Exercise more
> Eat more healthily
> Blog and make Youtube videos more
> Save more money

There was more but that was 6 months ago and I can't remember. But I would look at this list and think although they are new years resolutions, if I break them and achieve them later on in the year then it's still an achievement. The first thing I achieved was to think positive more and this was the most important. I thought of the positive side of everything for example if I missed the bus maybe I wasn't destined to be on that bus. Even if something is really bad try to find some positive in it. Try to wake up in a good mood even if you aren't motivated. 

I have achieved all apart from two of my new years resolutions (that being exercise more and eat healthily).

If you think you are suffering with depression then speak to someone. Write down what's making you sad and talk it over with someone or try to think of solutions to those problems. Talk to family or friends and visit a counsellor or your doctor to talk about your options. DO NOT LET DEPRESSION OVERCOME YOU!

I really do hope that this post has helped some of you even if it has just given you some information on the condition or a better understanding. Please leave your comments below and tell me your story and if this has helped you in any way.

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